I feel so.. so little in comparison to everyone else. Height wise, weight wise, strength wise. Fuck even with intelligence. If you think “You can’t have a small intelligence” then fuck you. Everyone is better looking (I know someone will try to tell me I’m good looking so in advance “Thankyou, but I’m not really lol”)
Ever had someone say “Wow you’re a lot stronger than you look?” or even the opposite? I’ve had the first one a few times and the second one a thousand times. I look weak enough as is without people telling me I’m weaker than what they think. Even mental weakness! COME THE FUCK ON GUYS REALLY? I’VE BEEN MENTALLY TORTURED AND YOU SAY I’M WEAK. LET ME BE PROUD OF MY MIND IT’S BEEN THROUGH SHITLOADS MORE THAN YOURS HAS OR PROBABLY WILL IN YOUR WHOLE FUCKING LIFE TIME. EVER BROKE DOWN A DOOR AND DRAGGED YOUR MOTHERS LIMP BODY OUT OF THERE AND ATTEMPT TO PUMP HER STOMACH SO SHE DOESN’T DIE? I. FUCKING. HAVE.
I’m so insignificant. I’m here but I’m not here. I could be standing right in front of you next to someone else, I’ll get a ‘hello’ or whatever but then the attention goes right to the other person and everything is just fixed on them. I could walk right off without anybody noticing. It’s happened before. I bet I could even throw a rock at you or run around naked and you wouldn’t bat an eyelash.
So ‘little’ was a bad word to use at the start but it’s how I feel SHH. I’ve kinda changed topics as well but fuck it, my read more and I will type my read more the way my read more flows out of my brain.
Y’know I’ve never had someone ask “Hey where were you yesterday?” When I’ve had the day off. One time I was meant to be hospitalized and had a week and a bit off. Nobody asked at all. Fucking nobody. (this is pre-FB so my every waking minute wasn’t monitored). I want that feel man, I want that feel. The feel of someone fucking WONDERING WHERE I AM.
I’ve come to school in summer with jumpers on. I think you can guess why but fuck it, to cover the cuts on my arms. In winter I’ve put on gloves so there was no chance for people to see my wrists if I raised my hand or someone picked me up. (see what I mean about feeling little? 90% of my friends could lift me up, even girls). I’ve even gone to school with them showing and for once everyone makes eye contact with me. It’s like “The fuck? You can’t look me in the eye on most days yet you can today to avoid looking there”
It’s just UGH. NOBODY FUCKING NOTICES ME. I WILL BE STANDING AT WORK OUT THE FRONT WAITING TO TAKE SOME FUCKERS ORDER WHEN SOMEONE COMES IN. WAITS A BIT, LOOKS AT ME AND THE GUY NEXT TO ME, WALKS TO THE OTHER GUY. (Relate that to cutting and I will fucking stab you and carve “I read the ‘read more’ into your forehead. This is months after I’ve stopped. Man I sound sadistic there and I don’t even like violence)
I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY “OH, I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE” WHEN I WALK UP TO SOMEONE BY THEMSELVES AND WAVE AND SAY HI AND THEY GET A FUCKING FRIGHT AND SAY “OH, I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE”
AM I IMAGINARY? PROBABLY. AH FUCKING WELL.
I do wonder what people think of me when/if they read these. And what my voice is. Since nobody here has heard me talk, or if they have haven’t heard me raise my voice. Ah well nobody probably cares if there is emotion in my voice anyway.
I feel like shit man. I can’t sleep properly, I can’t eat properly. Well kinda, I did just drink a liter of custard but that’s beside the point. I can’t even do a proper smile. And I’m trying to get this girl to like me. It’s hard enough without not being able to do emotions. Y’know, I’m not even sure if I like her. She is pretty and seems really nice but idk. Maybe with time. Like a proper talk without me going on random tangents like I have this entire time.
BACK TO THE START. I’m shorter than everyone, not as smart as everyone, weaker than everyone, lighter than everyone, not as good looking as everyone, my hair sucks, my eyes suck even more, my hands are just fucked and so is my chest. I fucking hate my chest. I hate my torso I just hate it because everyones else is better and normal and doesn’t have a fucking bone deformity. I’VE ACTUALLY LOST FRIENDS BECAUSE OF HOW I WAS BORN HOW FUNNY IS THAT? UGH. Basically everyone is more than me. If you look at a bar chart (I think it’s the bar one, where it has rectangles going up and the highest one has the most value is the one I mean), you’ll see everyone up really high and me chilling around the below average on it.
idek what im going on about more. ive lost grammar and grammar is my thing man. im gonna go watch another few episodes of game of thrones then i have to go and lie to people to get money for mum so i can live.
This has been a message that spanned for over 2 hours. Welcome to 6:52am on a Monday morning.